Sorry you had to deal with all that. SERIOUSLY this is a big one for me. ); and yes, that means other people I have no intention of inviting will hear it being discussed. Instead of telling you in a calm voice that he wasnt ready to hang out yet, or asking you to duck out for another half-hour, or have a respectful conversation about how he felt upset about you coming early, he blew his top and attacked you. But thats my own 2 cents on the topic. It wasnt always this way. You have probably found yourself in this situation a couple of times. I'm currently working with clients who live in Ontario, Canada: Copyright 2006-2023 SucceedSocially.com. The easiest way to get a guy to invite you over is to suggest the idea to him in a way that will make it nearly impossible for him to say no. Dude, uh, thanks for coming, let your friends know about the show. As an example, Im one of those people who really does enjoy receiving unsolicited advice, and it makes me sad that I so rarely receive it. Attempts to join group events have gone horribly wrong (like going to lunch when someone asked, who wants to go to lunch? and realizing once I was there that the invitation was actually only for men, which I am not), which just reinforces my need for an explicit invitation. Just because someone says you did something wrong doesnt make you a stupid or wrong person, and it doesnt even make what you did wrong. A family member? I stopped by home between shifts and got the message, but they had already left home and it was before cell phones existed. I am definitely guilty of the are we still on thing. for work related things, a work-state of sort. (Also with some of my college friends 98% of the time if they were talking about an event in front of me I was invited, but they didnt realize that invitations were things that happened? Its like, oh for gods sake, just knock on the fucking door at this point, its not like I can text you go away when youre standing AT MY DOOR. Today, after school. PLEASE CALL ME. On the topic of wanting to clean before people show up, I REALLY HATE when people respond to your desire to clean up with oh I dont mind the mess! Look, well intentioned person*, its not about you! I'm Chris Macleod. Movies are dark and great for making out, and you won't risk giving him the wrong impression. I have wet hair from my recent shower, and there are piles of laundry all over the living room. I actually wanted to start dinner like an hour ago. What we can do is trust the LWs perception of their own life and their own relationships prior to this point. It imposes too much on the person who lives there. And my husband, who works from home and had not planned to eat lunch with us because he is working, has to let you in and entertain you. Even the time I spent hours scrubbing the kitchen floor by hand, on my hands and knees because my eyes are shit and I cant see the dirt standing up. Unless I evict them, I cant have my house in a perpetual state of readiness (my version) for visitors, therefore DO NOT PRESENT YOURSELF AT MY HOME WITHOUT PRIOR ARRANGEMENT. Maybe Im misinterpreting because I dont know the LW or her friend but it seems much more intense than to say hi. I stopped hanging out with them for several reasons, but this was a main one. I just recently reconnected with a friends who I lost touch with because of our different expectations. I do quite like the idea of a I am around your area, if you happen to be free want to get a coffee? message with no guilt if I am not at home/in the middle of an Avatar: The Last Airbender marathon/having sex/just dont wanna, though. And I agree that its up to both sides, the person doing the rejecting to communicate clearly and consistently, and the rejectee gracefully taking the hint. I didnt get one, so I didnt go. (My friend is a really good person and as close to a sibling as Ive got outside my actual family. Back when I was in my uni days I hung out in a social group that was very lets all just drop in on each other and I once made the mistake of turning up at a working friends house at 8pm with a bunch of other student friends. Our small city (which has a low crime rate) gets a handful of this type of attempted burglary each day, so I dont think the police are being alarmist. If you have a chronic health condition (which might be physical, it might be mental illness, or a mixture of the two) and kids, sometimes youre doing well just to keep the dishes clean, the laundry done, kids clean, the floor uncrunchy and the table unsticky. All the needs to happen after that is showing up, right? Whenever I want to hang out with ANYONE I know I always drop a text beforehand and make sure my wording sends the message that its totally optional on their part to agree to hang or not. Growing up society has taught you that most men prefer to be initiative takers and it gets scary when a woman takes the lead. It can be terrifying to have an unexpected knock on the door. 4. Guy: Good! How to Get Over a Guy You Had a Crush on Guys are simple creatures, but it can still be frustrating trying to get them to do what you want. Not everyone is comfortable with being brutal to friends is not the same thing as nobody is comfortable with being brutally honest with friends and you cant ever ask your friends to BE honest because obviously theyd find that uncomfortable, and you should just LEARN. I find this thread reassuring and helpful. If I am up for company, I will invite you to come in, sit down. I once invited a friend and her boyfriend to Thanksgiving at my parents house and the boyfriend, who I had met ONE TIME, invited EVERYONE HE KNEW. But I fight against that urge, because, if they are going to be my friend, they might as well see my clutter up front and be okay with it. Dearest LW, please be sure to not only ensure a friend has availability, but also interest, combined with a way for them to graciously say no. In my family growing up, having company over meant at least two hours of scrubbing the entire house, and our mother berating us all for how filthy and embarrassing we were. So far it seems to work. I dont know why, still. It also varies depending on how close my relationship is with someone. I asked her something along the lines of oh gods, what have you been thinking of me these last months, with all the details and no invite? Ask means ASK. It would be ridiculous to never mention my aunt to my cousin just in case she were upset that I ever did something with aunt that didnt include her. Thats what I mean. There might be more back-and-forth, or the grownups might talk directly if things seemed to be getting complicated or if communication via the kids was getting garbled. In the other case making plans was nearly impossible and incredibly inconvenient, so dropping by felt like a nice surprise. Thats just me though and I appreciate its different for everyone. Im definitely a Guesser in the Ask vs. It's a public place. (Some people love striking up conversations at the bus stop, whereas its my idea of a nightmare). Who DOES this? In that happy, low key tone, you could say something like: A broader issue in whether inviting yourself is okay is how much will people like your company once you're there? I didnt know what to do and chased after her. Since all of this Ive had a friend who lived across town who was actively encouraged to stop by when he was in the area because it happened rarely and it was difficult to see him otherwise. He only ever is here for 15 minutes and hes been my husbands friend for more than 20 years so I dont feel as if I can be as agressive about my boundaries as I normally am. Any advice anyone wants to throw my way is welcome. (7 Key Reasons). I wasnt invited (I know I wasnt, because I helped housemate put together the cute gingham ribboned cards while watching dancing with the stars). Actually I think I would be more likely to drop in on someones workplace than their home-it seems more boundary-y, more able to be formal instead of too friendly., and noone has to shame-clean. Remember to be yourself and be cool and casual during the conversation. Get out of your car If anyone pulled up a trailer around back, they hid it well. Calling me from the car as you sit in my driveway does not count as calling ahead. It could be for any number of reasons. Its harder to say no than yes, so phrasing the question in a way that they dont have to say no makes a huge difference. *deep breaths* Had a neighbor knock over and over for 45 minutes, and then YELL at me when I came to the window, demanding I tell her why I wouldnt open the door when she knew I was home. My partner had a, You should come to our party next Saturday! Sure! conversation at a party, and, being Irish, she figured it was a friendly fun thing that people say and promptly forgot about it. When someone is yelling at you and trying to hurt you with sarcasm, it is because they have chosen to respond in a hurtful manner. Anything other than an enthusiastic yes is a no. Im going to share what Im comfortable with and Im going to kick the rest under the bed until you leave. Suddenly and without warning, she was acting like wearing the right thing to an event and sending a thank-you note on the right stationery was the most important thing. Ive had a personal experience with a partner that lived a very compartmentalized life because lets just say. I totally agree with youthat comment seemed kind of shamey, like things were so much better when people actually talked to each other kind of thing that we get when the topic of talking to strangers comes up. She ran into the same person a couple of weeks later and it turned out it was a dinner party, she was the sixth guest, they waited two hours for her and dinner was ruined. Ive had friends who I would never drop in on uninvited, through to friends who have an open invitation and have given me a key and have told me to turn up whenever even if theyre at work because they like to come home to a house full of random friends. I wish there were a rule book which everybody would follow. Ugh, yes. Huh, you didnt tell me to bring him along. What, do I have to say so specifically? *I would guess that she is more open to work-visits because there is a built-in time limit to the visit. (Mine: Id rather you called first, but if you dont, be willing to accept that I might tell you that its not a convenient time and ask you to leave.) So I guess the implications will just have to come along too. Oh man, indeed. And maybe its just me, but honestly? If a loose, friendly group regularly go out for lunch at work, or meet for drinks afterward, it's probably alright to come along one day. But its also a huge life event (or can be, anyway) so expecting you to never mention it to non-invitees is kind of ridiculous. I grew up thinking Im socially odd and terrible at body language, but it turns out Im just odd. As people get to know me, they learn that its usually best not to give me advice unless I directly ask for it (because if I want it, I will). We should totally go and see that together! I love hiking." Or just making sure to respond in an obviously positive way to advice in general, so that people eventually learn that you like it? Not only do people knock on the door randomly to see how the house is coming along, but many of them just WALK RIGHT IN! And thats really the hard part. Home vs. work,surprise! vs. planned, andyou inviting yourself vs. her inviting you,speak to escalating levels of intimacy. More like quasi-grudging, quasi-cheerful wellp, this is what society expects houses to be cleaned like, so Im getting there slowly stuff. Wow, hey, no, that was not a reasonable reaction on his part. Im used to being the awkward girl the group puts up with due to circumstance(classes, volunteer groups, tour groups, etc), the one asked to take the photos because no one actively wants her in them. i agree with a lot of what youre saying, being part of a group does not automatically mean that you are invited to all the things, that is very true. Ask him if he has any dessert requests, but don't ask him to buy half the ingredients for the dinner. Some people get really ticked off about the idea that I can CHOOSE whether to answer my door/phone/text/email, and that just not wanting to interact at that moment is a good enough reason not to answer.. These two used to be good friends who were easy with each other. Although Ive occasionally had friends who would text me while standing on my doorstep, which, interestingly, is worse than either showing up unannounced or texting ahead of time. Totally individual. Im socially awkward Is this an open invitation event or [just friends from work, just school friends etc].. I dont think either method is wrong, but its hard to make them compatible. Agreed. If he thinks there's a chance you might show up with your suitcase trying to stay the weekend, he'll be more apt to shut your dinner-and-a-movie suggestion down. Hi all, long time lurker, first time commenter I have seen this from both sides of the dropping by conundrum. I cant tell if this is a serious enough thing that I should consider a caveat for this type of thing too. Im used to my home being PRIVATE space. Her depression means that sometimes shit just doesnt get done, but her mental and physical health outweigh the need to vacuum or wash up. Any interest in a Saturday matinee?, Them:Saturday is bad, but could we do the 2pm on Sunday?, You:That works. If an event just seems like the organizers want to keep it small. If the person enthusiastically responds, like, THANK YOU, I WAS HOPING SOMEONE WOULD SAY THAT, COME BY AT 11? then you are invited. Re: Purple0 (sorry nesting fail) That meant that dropping by was much too frequent. The LW has correctly identified that there is a problem with this friend and is taking steps to fix it. How Should I Handle My Man Forgetting My Best Man Poem Ideas for a Brother's Wedding. Copyright 2011 thru 2023 Jennifer Peepas, all rights reserved. And its also a problem you can fix, without awkwardness or hurt feelings. Dating is awkward in every stage of life. I want to hang out, but Im not psychic! If this were a healthy friendship, that would be fine. If I know the people in question well enough I will sometimes just be explicit. I live alone, so I dont make the baked treats I like to make because I would eat them all. PS Side note to LW: you arent doing this. He will get the point. This is about my comfort in my own home and has nothing to do with catering to guests, or being proper or mannerly. Granted, part of the reason is because Im probably not wearing pants, either, but I hate unexpected visit awkwardness. FWIW I think your manners were fine, and your reading on the situation of friend vs SO is pretty socially ept. And your expectations sound like theyre probably just fine. Of course all of that is also because I live in Chicago and we live w/in walking distance of each other and shops and things. Like my ex was anxious about casual invitations outside of her home (like at a nearby pub) that had less than 24 hours notice. So I think it has a context where its useful. they just didnt want me there. They were birdwatching haunts). His dads Belgian and his mums Irish and he grew up in Ireland but went to university in Belgium and hes been working in Austria for the last five years but he spends a lot of time in Ireland and I have NO IDEA which version he was using and I dont have his phone number!. No problem Anna Sthetic, your comment was important too, I just wanted to put across another perspective. At this point I just put all the blame on my ridiculously small washing machine, and any time I dont want company I claim Im stuck doing laundry allll day so I simply couldnt possibly or no one will have clean pants. However, I have partially solved this with my close friends by bravely using my words. They dont see the big picture, as the big picture conflicts with their fantasy. Should I go or not? A very important step to take here is to give him prior notice. If one is expecting the host to do all the work, thats just lazy and rude IMO. Or a sitting room. Its what it says on the tin! So they test, and test some more, hoping for signs of anything that might confirm that a connection still exists. What works or worked in LWs life is the issue, not my reactions to hugs. When will it be? My main issue is that everyone is so casual that nobody really helps with dishes/cooking/food shopping/cleaning/chopping wood/preparing bait and so partner and I end up running around from dawn till dusk, taking care of a bunch of drunk guys relaxing on our lawn and trying to make small talk with strangers. In those circumstances, you dont enjoy cleaning much, I can tell you. Then I had to apologize with no buts. Theyre doing you a favour by driving you somewhere, and you should not make them wait. "You know where he lives?'' "No. Even if Im entirely comfortable not being included in a particular plan, Ill feel uncomfortable saying things like that sounds fun/Is it for a special occasion or just hanging out because Ill worry that the other person might think Im fishing for an invitation. Good for you for making them fix it. But I wanted to say it isnt as simple as saying people with anxiety must have hated that prior culture. SOLIDARITY. I love playing host, its true, but I use that phrase consciouslyplaying host. Its a role that I choose to put on, and it is not one that I would expect (or want!) I am so so glad I never lived in those days, and that people who know me understand that Hello friend, I am here now, drop the thing you were doing and climb stairs and corral pets and get dressed if you werent wearing something street-appropriate and break your focus because after all, it will only be for a chat on the front porch! does not fill me with joy. In some social circles the friends will get together, but they won't always shoot out invites to every last person each time. January was a long time ago. 1.6. This is the craziest way I see guys blow their opportunities. I need you to help me fix it! It's not a good idea to let someone into your home until you really trust him. I would chalk that one up to bad ex and forget about it. Be clear about when you plan on arriving and leaving. To me, it matters what sort of event it is. German/Dutch person: *is at the cinema at 7.45 on Thursday wondering where the hell the Irish person is*. Plus it can feel for me like, whoa, are you going to do this a lot? Im not sure if its germane to this issue, but I considered her until about a year ago my best friend. Im, uh, Im actually really glad youre seeing a counselor because there are several red flags in this comment that make me think he might have been emotionally abusing you. Wearing pants, either, but I considered her until about a year my... Is what society expects houses to be cleaned like, whoa, you... Man Poem Ideas for a Brother 's Wedding nice surprise would expect ( want. A nice surprise role that I should consider a caveat for this type of thing too there are piles laundry... Bed until you leave expect ( or want! I wish there were a healthy friendship, would... Both sides of the are we still on thing trust the LWs of! Big picture conflicts with their fantasy, whereas its my idea of a nightmare ) with each other to! You dont enjoy cleaning much, I was HOPING someone would say that, by... 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What society expects houses to be initiative takers and it gets scary when a woman takes the.. In Ontario, Canada: Copyright 2006-2023 SucceedSocially.com hanging out with them for several,. Im going to share what Im comfortable with and Im going to share what Im comfortable with Im.
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